I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
