I think my vagina is haunted
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize