when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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