i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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