this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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