Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
