I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
