you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
we're so committed to being not committed
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
