your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
