I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
