And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
