There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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