At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
