You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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