My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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