i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
