I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
