So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
