I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you guys were way drunker than both of me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
