I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize