Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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