it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
