She is in my trunk
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
