Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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