Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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