at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
