my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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