my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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