Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize