I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
