I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize