I just pynch a tree in the face
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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