I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My hand turned me down
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
