So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
