Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
