Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
