turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
