chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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