those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
