Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
