Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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