True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
