My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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