Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize