The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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