I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
