3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
