How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We have started to decorate penises.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
