Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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