i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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