So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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