We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
