God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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