i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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