turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
