drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
