I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
barbara walters just said penis...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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