Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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