I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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