I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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