You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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